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Even new fourth judge Julianne Hough was barely introduced except for an acknowledgment of her, shall we say, “extremely low cut” dress? “Now we go to our newest addition to the judging panel who clearly is bursting with enthusiasm,” co-host Tom Bergeron said at the top of the show as Julianne just laughed.
And though “DWTS” made a lot of fuss about her joining the show, Julianne didn’t really say or do anything particularly memorable except toss off a few puns. If anything, her presence made everything feel more rushed, as four judges meant there was less time for each person to talk — and we know how much Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli love to talk.
Here’s our rankings for the premiere, including which contestant has the most compelling storyline. (Oh and if you bet “about 30 seconds” for how long it would take Lolo Jones to tell the cameras she’s waiting until marriage to have sex? Congrats, you won.)
RANK: 1
Alfonso Ribeiro/Witney Carson (Jive, judge score: 9, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 36 points)
Occupation: Actor
Age: 42
Best known for: Like you need to ask! (Okay, some do: He’s Carlton from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”)
Performance: He got the closing slot so there’s no question who the producers want to win. Sure enough, he rocked it out and the judges were thrilled. Len called it the best dance out of anyone. “What a show,” Bruno gushed. “You’re the king of the night.”
Storyline: Sigh — he wants to prove he’s more than just that guy from the Will Smith sitcom. (Sorry Alfonso, but no one’s going to be happy until you do the Carlton dance.)
RANK: 2
Lea Thompson/Artem Chigvintsev (Foxtrot, judge score: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32 points)
Occupation: Actress
Age: 53
Best known for: Starring as Marty McFly’s mom in “Back to the Future”; also headlined NBC’s ’90s sitcom “Caroline in the City.”
Performance: Surprisingly solid. “We could have a blockbuster on our hands,” Bruno raved, though he and Julianne thought she needed to work on her posture. Carrie Ann called it one of the best first foxtrots she’s ever seen on the show.
Storyline: Chance to achieve a childhood dream. When she was younger, she wanted to be a ballet dancer and studied with Mikhail Baryshnikov; but her teacher told her she was “too stocky.” Ouch! Time for a comeback.
RANK: 3
Randy Couture/Karina Smirnoff (Foxtrot, judge score: 8, 7, 8, 8 for a total of 31 points)
Occupation: Mixed martial arts athlete
Age: 51
Best known for: UFC champion fighting
Performance: Unexpectedly talented, expertly twirling Karina around the dance floor. Carrie Ann practically fell out of her chair saying she got weak in the knees. Julianne declared she’s “randy for Randy.” “She’s practically lactating!” yelled Bruno, grossing out everyone.
Storyline: Trying to revamp his image from an intense fighter into an elegant dancer — could be the token athlete who does great this year.
RANK: 4
Jonathan Bennett/Allison Holker (Jive, judge scores: 8, 7, 7, 8 for a total of 30 points)
Occupation: Actor
Age: 33
Best known for: “Mean Girls” — he played Aaron “your hair looks sexy pushed back” Samuels, Lindsay Lohan’s crush.
Performance: Pretty good, if a little goofy, though he had a great time. Judges called him a natural, polished performer who has potential while Julianne called it “grool.” (That’s a “Mean Girls” joke.)
Storyline: Sorry, no one’s going to beat this: Jonathan’s dad passed away a few months ago and his favorite show was “Dancing With the Stars.” “Ever since he died, I just have felt like the spark inside me is kind of gone,” Jonathan said during rehearsal, starting to tear up. “And now, already, I feel better.”
RANK: 5
Sadie Robertson/Mark Ballas (Cha cha, judge score: 8, 8, 9, 9 for a total of 34 points.)
Occupation: Reality star
Age: 17
Best known for: Being the granddaughter of controversial patriarch Phil Robertson on A&E’s hugely popular show “Duck Dynasty”; her parents are Willie and Korie, who were naturally in the audience.
Performance: Excellent, considering she’s never danced before. “You’re a star, honey,” Carrie Ann said, sounding surprised. Len also loved it, calling it “really lovely.” Julianne tried to give her a triumphant moment saying “Introducing Sadie Robinson!” apparently unaware that her name is “Robertson.”
Storyline: She wants to strike out on her own, but that seems unlikely given that her dad has to approve every outfit. Can she make a name for herself outside of her family’s reality show?
RANK: 6
Bethany Mota/Derek Hough (Jive, judge score: 8, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 32 points)
Occupation: YouTube sensation-turned-designer
Age: 18
Best known for: Her cheerful fashion and shopping videos that landed her a clothing line with Aeropastle.
Performance: Perfectly adequate job, though she didn’t really stand out among all the other strong personalities. Don’t worry though, having Derek as a partner will likely ensure she sticks around. Carrie Ann was pleasantly surprised, while Len dubbed it “terrific.” Julianne said it was “sunshine in a box,” which is something.
Storyline: Can an unknown name triumph as a result of having a gazillion social media followers?
RANK: 7
Tommy Chong/Peta Murgatroyd (Cha cha, judge score: 7, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 27 points)
Occupation: Actor and “the original stoner”
Age: 76
Best known for: The “Cheech & Chong” movies with his buddy Cheech Marin, the subject of lots of marijuana jokes.
Performance: Cheech bet Chong he couldn’t get on the show, which sounds like the beginning of one of their movies, though it’s actually what happened. (Cheech even showed up for a cameo.) His actual dance moves were strangely great as he grooved to “Drop It Like It’s Hot.” “You are extremely sexy,” Carrie Ann gushed. Bruno called him “cool Grandpa” as opposed to bad Grandpa. Even Len admitted he was secretly dreading the performance and was happily surprised.
Storyline: Could he be the oldest contestant to go far in the competition? Really, everyone loved him. Could be a dark horse.
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